During our toddler years, we live for our parents, and they live for us. We idolize their jobs, their clothes, their relationships, and they worship the precious gift of life bestowed upon them: us! Little do they know a plot twist is coming; I’m not sure about you, but when I think back to my middle school years, I remember an excess of eyeliner, slamming doors, and blasting Avril Lavigne and Green Day in the backseat of my mom’s Volvo station wagon, thinking I was the most rebellious teenager to have walked through Hot Topic. But this kind of behavior is expected of teenagers, and is usually something we grow out of. When we hit those golden high school years and start to spend more time away from home, taking weekend trips to the beach with our friends and traveling alone, we get a taste of independence. And then we leave for college. This is when we start to really default back to those adolescent years and that unconditional love we felt as little kids. When we learn to think independently, we begin to grasp the reality of the sacrifices our parents have made for us, and to understand what they have given up to optimize our own lives. Once we do this, we can better appreciate what is so extraordinary in having at least one truly lasting and meaningful relationship in our lifetime.
So, now that we’ve made it to college, we’re living on our own. Well, sort of. I mean, we don’t have people to pull us out of our beds when we’re going to be late for school, or write us notes about sickness or some bullshit “family emergency” to excuse us from missing gym class. We start having to do things for ourselves; yes, this covers the basic cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. But I’m talking about more than that. I’m talking about that crazy phenomenon that occurs when we step out of the comfort of our childhood homes and into a place where, for the first time, we are sharing a strange new space with handfuls of other young adults. These young adults, along with our new surroundings, have a significant influence on the people we will become. Coming of age means taking in all these new ideas that we are being introduced to and forming our own opinions – opinions that our parents may not only dislike, but that may actually clash with the core belief systems upon which we were raised.
THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM. Don’t worry parents, that piercing will come out eventually, experimenting is just a phase, and our political beliefs will take shape once we’re a little older and wiser. Remember that unconditional love thing I mentioned before? That’s normally a life-time-guarantee kind of deal. But then how do we maintain a balance of mutual respect with our parents as we grow older and start to become more independent, and therefore think on different wavelengths? The first step in finding common ground and preserving a healthy relationship is communication. If there are two people we are not afraid of communicating our feelings with in this world, it is most likely our moms and dads. But why is it often so much harder to communicate the kind words, compliments, and appreciation than it is to complain and speak harshly to our parents?
I’m certain there are a million and four parenting books out there explaining this, and since I’m pretty sure no one’s mind is exploding over the fact that kids and parents fight and have problems talking about awkward stuff like sex and drugs, I’ll try to help you out by offering some solutions. I know that one of my resolutions every year is to be nicer to my parents, and to try to convey thoughts and feelings in a more respectful and effective way, and I’m fairly certain that I’m not alone in that. Also, I try to bridge the generation gap by keeping my parents up to date with the crazy happenings of the 2010s (i.e. telling my mom what bath salts are and explaining EDM to my dad).
So first off, like I mentioned before, COMMUNICATE, even if it’s awkward. This may seem obvious. So why aren’t we all doing it? Communication is the key to resolving almost every issue, and it is also a necessary tool in sustaining every type of relationship in our lives. BUT, if you are too angry to communicate – I have found when it comes to fights with my parents, I often am – then take some time and COOL OFF. I remember after one particularly nasty fight with my mom on which I tried to get my dad to side with me, I angrily asked him, “How have you put up with her for this many years?” to which he replied, “I just walk away.” This small and seemingly obvious piece of advice has stuck with me ever since. Sometimes our anger blinds us and all we see is red. Sometimes we say hurtful things we don’t mean. Sometimes they don’t even make any sense; they just sound wonderfully spiteful coming out of our mouths in those temporary fits of rage. So before we let that awfully creative combination of curses, insults, and gibberish come out of our mouths, how about we just do the smart thing and walk away for a bit? We can approach the issue later once we’ve calmed down and realized that our mom not buying the type of mac and cheese we wanted is not the devastating equivalent to a World War. Although in my defense, we all know the Shoprite brand tastes like cheesy, soggy cardboard compared to Kraft Spirals.
Lastly, don’t take advantage of that unconditional love. Our parents are some of the only people from whom we’ll ever receive it. This kind of deep, permanent love can make us do irrational things, and our parents will certainly go to great lengths to see that we are happy and healthy. So try to keep a running log in your head of all those sacrifices your parents have made for you over the years. If all else fails, watch an old home video. I bet you wouldn’t want to put up with that little screaming poop-monster who is counting on you to not only watch the eighteenth performance of her own personal rendition of The Lion King (featuring her and her stuffed animals), but to LOVE it and film it and present her with flowers after the show.
Our parents love us no matter what, so be nice to them. They’re humans too. They’re actually the very humans that brought us onto this planet, without whom we wouldn’t even exist. So when we’re feeling too angry and selfish to be kind to them at one given moment, let’s at least try to express some gratitude for our own existence.
But really, we can’t forget to love our parents, and to tell them so, because sometimes while we are busy growing up, we forget that they are growing old.
the unconventional project 